The annual presidential State of the Union address is
invariably a letdown. A dull, pompous rhetorical exercise.
The ultimate camera opportunity for the ultimate camera
opportunists.
Iīve often felt that if the main players at these
events arenīt going to do anything legitimately
important -- and
they seldom have, not in the ones Iīve seen -- they ought
to at least make them entertaining. Has there ever been a
more interesting State of the Union address than the one
that took place on Saturday Night Live about 30 years ago?
My memory is hazy, but I recall Dan Aykroyd-as-Jimmy
Carter gave a fabulously inane speech about a hemorrhoid
problem he was having while John Belushi, playing the
speaker of the house, sat behind him yawning and sneaking
swigs of beer.
Anyway, I had good intentions last night. I wanted to
see what the soon-to-retire president had to say about the
environment. And guess what? It wasnīt much, but it wasnīt
bad. In fact, here it is, copied and pasted from one of
the transcripts posted on the Internet:
"To build a future of energy security, we must trust
in the creative genius of American researchers and
entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation
of clean energy technology. Our security, our prosperity
and our environment all require reducing our dependence on
oil consumption over the next decade, and you responded.
Together, we should take the next steps. Let us fund new
technologies that can generate coal power while capturing
carbon emissions. Let us increase the use of renewable
power and emissions-free nuclear power. Let us continue
investing in advanced battery technology and renewable
fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. Let us
create a new international clean technology fund which
will help developing nations like India and China make
greater use of clean energy sources. And let us complete
an international agreement that has the potential to slow,
stop, and eventually reverse the growth of greenhouse
gases. This agreement will be eff ective only if it
includes commitments by every major economy and gives none
a free ride. The United States is committed to
strengthening our energy security and confronting global
climate change, and the best way to meet these goals is
for America to continue leading the way toward the
development of cleaner and more energy-efficient
technology."
As I said, not bad. Nothing new, nothing earth-shaking.
Nothing to take issue with, really. Good solid rhetoric
about what we as a nation can do to help fix the
environment.
That passage above totals 213 words, out of a speech of
5,647. (The Internet and Microsoft Word are marvelous
tools.) Thatīs 3.8% of the State of the Union speech
devoted to environmental policy. Thatīs perhaps a bit
light, but when you think about it, itīs not bad coming
during wartime, and during rough economic times, from a
president who is often painted as an enemy of the
environment.
In closing, my fellow Americans, hereīs the Inbox
TranslatorŪ Read-Between-the-Lines version of the
presidentīs speech:
Ladies and gentlemen, the state of our environment is
negligible. Small potatoes. We have bigger fish to fry.
Way bigger. We have a war to finish off. We have a
messed-up economy that we need to get straightened out
quick. And we have tax rebate checks we need to get in the
mail. Once we get all that done, weīll sit down and talk
about the environment. In the meantime, letīs get out
there and start frying, people.
Pete Fehrenbach is
managing editor of Waste News. Past installments of this
column are collected in
the Inbox archive.
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