If Only! 'Columbus Day Cancelled' & 9 Other Long-Overdue Headlines

Considering all of the news Native American people see on a daily basis that is tough to stomach—why not have a bit of fun? We all know those news stories we would like to see happen, so we thought we would take some time to construct a few.

Here are 10 headlines Natives would love to see:

President Obama Forces Government to Honor All Treaties

In a stunning move by the President Barack Obama has decided to honor all of those old Native American treaties created throughout history. President Obama also told all of those affected Native Americans, “to get ready to move back to your ancestral lands, get paid back for all of those resources used over the years and check all of your mailboxes tomorrow for a big, fat check.”

Snyder Agrees Redskins is Offensive

In a surprising turn of events, Redskins team owner Dan Snyder has broken down and admitted his team’s name is racially insensitive. “I actually feel kinda bad about it and I realize the games my dad and I went to as a kid have nothing to do with another culture’s feelings.” After talking with a stadium packed full of game-goers Snyder also said, “Yeah, money also had a lot to do with it.”

US Department of Education Agrees to Teach True History

After an overwhelming victory in Congress, in which everyone voted unanimously for a change in education, the U.S. Department of Education must now comply with a new law enacted to teach the true history of this country, including what happened to Native Americans. Curriculums nationwide will now include how the Iroquois Nations directly affected the creation of the Constitution, the contributions of Native herbology to modern medicine and the true shocker—how Native Americans are still in existence today.

Similar efforts have been approved to honor the contributions of all other minorities in history as well.

The children at Tabuk Primary School studied Native Americans in History. They recently listened to the story, The Legend of the Bluebonnet. In the story, She-Who-Is-Alone sacrifices her doll, which is her only toy and the only thing that she has left that came from her parents. Because of her sacrifice, the rains come and her tribe, the Comanches, survive. The class decided to try to make their own hand-crafted dolls. (Tabuk Primary School)

Native American Stereotypes and Misappropriation Video Gets 7 billion Hits

The YouTube video “Native American Stereotypes and Misappropriation—What You Should Know” has amazed the online world for several days. In the most compelling viral views jump in world history, this video has been seen by every person on earth. Not surprisingly, all of the comments have been positive, and the video has exactly 7 billion thumbs up. “I’ll never make fun of Native Americans again,” said Billy Bob Jenkins, a YouTube commenter.

‘Stop Trying to Be Native American’ Hipster Movement Takes Over

Shelley Wilson, of Newport Beach, California, has started a movement in the hipster community that is spreading like wildfire. After posting her party pics on Instagram with a sign saying “Stop Trying to be Native American” over 100 million and counting have shared her picture and collectively decided to stop wearing “Native Stuff.” “It’s toooo-tally like, NOT cool anymore and stuff, whatever like you know,” said Wilson. She said anyone wearing “Native stuff” just would not be considered cool.

Notorious Social Media Commenter Apologizes for Anti-Native Comments

Stan “Bigmouth” Lawrence from Kansas City, Kansas has admitted he is always the guy who negatively comments on Facebook, Twitter and Google+—no matter how valid the argument is. “Yeah, I’m the jerk that always said ‘go back to your reservation, stupid Indians’ and other lame stuff. I realize I am just an idiot with no life and I am just going to stop now. My mom said I can’t use my computer anymore anyway.”

According to Lawrence’s mother, “Stan needs to go get a job so he can move out, he’s 39 for God’s sake.”

Nobody likes negative comments about Natives on social media. (CollegeCandy.com)

Native American Heritage Month Will Be Honored on National TV and Popular Sites

This November marks the first time Native American Heritage Month will be honored by all broadcasting networks across the United States. Additionally, executives at Google, Bing and Yahoo will also make sure people know. “We want to give more than just the normal 8 second blip we give at 3 a.m.” said Lou Jones, a representative from CNN.

Representatives from CBS and NBC said they are going to work on employing Native American journalists as well.

State Governors Agree to Stay Out of Tribal Affairs

Collectively realizing that tribal nations are sovereign nations and need to be treated as such, all 50 United States governors have agreed that they will stop meddling in tribal issues. The agreement, which was created by previous California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger states, “Let’s stop this state compacts thing and just stop getting in everyone’s way.”

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks at a news conference on immigration reform at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, on Tuesday, April 30, 2013. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Columbus Day Cancelled—Now Native Americans Day

“Due to the atrocities committed by Columbus, we hereby cancel Columbus Day,” said Clarence Thomas the most vocal of the Supreme Court this Friday in relation to the Columbus Day ruling. “We all know that Columbus sold slaves, participated in the kidnap of children and was taken back in shackles to his home—why should he be honored with a U.S. Holiday?”

“Now let’s rule on Thanksgiving,” said a smiling Thomas.

Redskins, Chiefs and Braves to Participate in Change the Mascot Day

Straight on the Heels of Dan Snyder’s apologetic comments to fans, all teams bearing a Native-themed mascot will be changing their team names to something embarrassing like the Washington Broccoli Florets, the Kansas City Milk and Cookies, the Atlanta Inchworms, the Cleveland Dog Poops or other potentially suitable names. The changes are part of a nationwide Change the Mascot Day. “Hey we’ve embarrassed Native people for many years, now we should be the ones embarrassed,” said one Atlanta Inchworm fan.

(blogs.emory.edu)